What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

She married twice! .

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

How do I overcome attachment issues?

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

Are female judges more lenient than male ones?

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

Why don't we hear our own snoring?

I did it because my mum asked me too!

My mum and dad in the seventies!

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

I write beautiful poetry .

I couldn’t, believe it.

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But it wasn’t much.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Why was Boromir corrupted by the One Ring, but not Faramir in The Lord of the Rings?

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

We were not on the streets..

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

I waited trembling.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

He knew the spot.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

On the 31st of Jan this month .

This is how, and why children get BPD.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

It was going to be , some day.

She wouldn,t have been !

I think the readers, may guess!

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

But ive been too sick for many years..

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

As i do to all so called friends.?

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

I was scared of men, in general

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I was seconnd youngest,

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

He was dying to do it , i knew.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

(And it was in our own minds.)

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

She loved him until the end.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

I have no regrets .

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

I said to her

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

I could never make a relationship work though!

Ive learnt so much.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

Especially a lifetime of it.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

So whats the point in blame.

And i lived it daily.

We all went to grammer schools

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

What did i know ?

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

So, i spoilt her more .

Would this be the day?

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

My family never makes their pension either.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

I was very sick at this time too.

Why did i forgive my father ?

All the time i was locked up.

Im still living with it.

This is soul school!.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

I was 9 years of age.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

I had hoped to write a book about this .

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

My life is so biszare .

She found it foreign!.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

I don,t even have a pension.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

And who doesn’t know suffering?

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

Was to survive, this bastard.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

But, we were locked up after school.

He resisted the act ,that day.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

Where the ultimate outsiders.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

She was in good health!

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

One cannot live in the past .

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

I never cut or harmed myself..

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

I will be 64.

Comes on , in middle age.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

Who then, do I blame.?

When she asked me how she looked .

Put me off passion for life!!

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .